Hey, mom

Hey mom, it’s been a while since I wrote again. I was caught up with work and friends, in a good way though. The last few weeks were amazing, and I felt alive again. Work is going well, and I am really getting fulfillment out of it. I went snowboarding for the first time in the mountains and can’t even describe the high I felt back then. I am also seeing a new therapist, and she is great. I’m always stoked to see her. I’m laughing a little louder and holding my friends tighter. Safe to say life has been treating me well.

However, these last days are feeling heavy, and I don’t know why. Maybe because I am getting my life back on track, so everything about you is starting to hit. Your birthday is also around the corner, April 18th. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know for what I’m doing this all for, and it’s really difficult to grab a hold of. Although I have so many reasons to be happy and things to be grateful for, I seem to appreciate it all a little less. Writing this is also hard because my mind feels shattered once again. I think everyone thinks I am doing quite well, although for me, it feels like I am just distracting myself and avoiding all the hurt and confrontations that you are not here anymore. The world is going at such a fast pace, and I can’t let the day go when you left us all. I don’t think there has been a day that I didn’t cry about it. It sucks because it’s mostly a moment where I am all alone, and I can’t seem to cry in front of people, not even my closest friends. To be fair, that is so sad. I think I am holding on to the fact that I need to keep that image that everyone has of me, the happy and energetic person, yet I am questioning that image.

I’ve been talking again to our family in the Philippines. I was avoiding it because it was, in a way, too confrontational. In my last blog post, I talked about booking a trip back, but even that, I keep delaying because it feels like ending a chapter. And that’s the one thing I’ve been running away from, the fact that you are not here anymore. I am well aware that this post isn’t as positive as the other ones. I guess I am not sugarcoating it anymore like I always did when you saw me. At this point, I just wish I could call you again or drop by like I used to. I miss laughing my ass off and eating the delicious food you made. I hope you’re doing good up there. I miss you.

I love you always
Forever your anaki, Dian

Hey Mom, sorry for not keeping in touch with you for a while. My schedule has been quite demanding, and I had to take some time off for myself. Each day feels like a game of chance, much like Russian roulette, as I wake up uncertain of how I will feel or what the day will bring. Nonetheless, I am grateful for my understanding friends who are supportive when I need to cancel plans. On a positive note, I am gradually becoming more comfortable in my own company. The four walls of my apartment no longer seem as suffocating, but rather pleasant. I enjoy engaging in solitary activities and cuddling with my adorable furry companion, little Potato. By the way, I am happy that you had a chance to meet Potato. I can still envision you on the couch with Potato on your lap. Your ability to appreciate simple things was always a source of inspiration for me.

Spending time alone has enabled me to comprehend that many of my worries are beyond my control, and accepting this brings a sense of peace. I have reconciled with the fact that I cannot change others, and they have their own issues to address. I am concentrating on myself and acknowledging that I am someone who has the best intentions. For years, I had doubts, thinking that I was a good-for-nothing person. But now, I realize that I am, in fact, a good person, even though I make mistakes. Rather than perceiving them as errors, I view them as opportunities for growth.

By the way, I am planning a trip to the Philippines soon. I am thrilled to be able to embrace Nanay again and reconnect with the rest of the family. The thought of seeing her again makes me emotional. Although the concept of family did not hold much significance for me, you and Nanay hold a special place in my heart. It will be therapeutic for both of us since I lost a mother, and she lost a daughter. I promise that I will take care of Nanay as long as I am alive. I know she will do the same. However, I must confess that I discovered the reason why you, your brother, and your father passed away at such a young age. They all died between the ages of 35 and 45 due to a heart muscle disease in our family, and you were aware of it but never disclosed it to me. I believe you wanted to protect me, and for that, I am grateful, even though I wish you had informed me earlier. We could have done something to prevent what occurred. Nonetheless, I am now in the same boat as you, and I plan to visit the hospital frequently to seek medical advice. Initially, the notion of having only ten to twenty years to live frightened me. Still, I decided to utilize it as motivation to live life to the fullest.

I love you always
Forever your anaki, Dian

Hey Mom, today is one of those days where the weight of the world feels heavier than usual. Nevertheless, I am managing to stay balanced, although I still catch myself getting trapped in my thoughts. Luckily, my work and friends are helping a lot. I get a lot of satisfaction from work. And if things are getting rough, I try to talk about it with some colleagues, which is a great relief since I know I’m in a supportive environment. I wasn’t always like this though, as I preferred to solve my problems on my own. That’s how I survived through my whole life. However, I am finding myself more and more comfortable opening up to people. Bit ironic since I am adept at socializing and connecting with others. I like deep conversations, yet when it comes to talking about my emotions, I tend to shy away from the subject. I guess it is still difficult for me to be vulnerable and open up, but despite my fears, I am willing to trust people more. Because I am learning to have faith that everything will turn out fine. I can’t control other people’s actions. And that’s okay, it doesn’t really matter at the end anyway. I can only change how I interact with them. I’m counting on myself to maintain inner peace, and everything will be fine.

I cried today though, but I am not ready to tell you why. I haven’t fully closed that chapter of my life yet. Focusing on myself and self-discovery is therapeutic in a way, and I am starting to appreciate who I am becoming. I think many people, and even you, thought I was that confident person all the time. Except, I wasn’t. Believe it or not, I’m quite insecure. I overthink every step or choice I make. It is easier to maintain the facade of confidence than to explain myself to others. But hiding behind my accomplishments and materialistic possessions is no longer fulfilling, and I don’t want to be that person anymore. Although I am proud of what I have achieved, life is much more than just that. I am enjoying the journey of people getting to know me instead of just me getting to know them. You always tried to teach me this by encouraging me to experience more things and venture out into the world. You were such an adventurer yourself, and I am sorry you didn’t get to do all the things you wanted. I still have a little bit of ashes I carry around whenever I do something exciting. In that way, I’m making sure you are there to experience it too.

It is incredible how my life has changed so quickly, but I am grateful for the lessons I am learning. I refuse to fall into self-pity or lose myself in others. It is time I take ownership of my life, forgive myself for the things I did or did not do, and make the best of the present.

I love you always
Forever your anaki, Dian

Hey, Mom. It’s been two months now since you left this place. Everything, even the little things, feels so different to me. I don’t see the world like I used to. All the problems I had or stuff I was worried about don’t seem to matter anymore. I realized that I was focusing on the wrong things in life. But what can you expect if I’m a 5-year-old toddler into adulthood? In the last few months, I have felt many emotions, including anger, frustration, sadness, but mostly regret. I heard you were always proud of my accomplishments, even though I never really talked or updated you about them. We were never the types that had deep talks, although I was always welcome to have a good laugh and banter. I don’t blame our relationship for it. It was me who couldn’t open up about certain stuff because I couldn’t let go of what happened in the past. But those things don’t really matter now, do they?

I’m starting this blog to open up more and in a way keep you updated about what’s going on in my life because that’s what you always deserve, to be a part of my life that you gave me. Today is International Women’s Day, and I want to dedicate it to you. The day I was born, father left us. You never really talked about it, and I didn’t want to open some old wounds, so I left it as it was. You always tried to take care of me the best way possible. When you met my stepdad in the Philippines, you saw a new beginning for us. You two got married and eventually moved to Belgium, even though it was illegal to bring me with you. You just did it because you couldn’t see a new life, a new beginning without me. Every day I’m grateful for the choices you made back then. They brought me to the place where I am now. I don’t know if I can call myself successful, but I’m pretty content where I am in life.

My life has always been crazy and in a fast pace, and I never really took a moment to appreciate it. Until the day everything stood still, the day you left. I’m still processing everything, but today, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I never really realized how you loved me in your little way. For example, I can’t cook and don’t have the discipline to do it. You knew that, so every day, you were texting or calling me to make sure I had food, even though we don’t live in the same house anymore. You also made sure I arrived safely whenever I was traveling around and that I would always have a home to come back to. Whenever I was uncertain about something, you pushed me to do it anyway because, hey, momma didn’t raise no quitter. I could go on about many other things. Overall, thank you. Thank you so much for all the little and big things you did every day.

I started writing this with full excitement and a bit of fear, and it ended with tears in my eyes. I don’t think I will ever get used to the feeling of knowing that you are not here anymore. But I keep on going, like you would’ve wanted it. Every step and choice I make is with you in the back of my head. You will always be my motivation to do and be better.

I love you always
Forever your anaki, Dian